We Do Not Baby-Talk our Baby

Please read carefully and with an open-minded heart. ♥️

Having a baby is really fun and yet overwhelming. Especially for a first-time-mom like me. I have no idea on how to raise up a good child yet alone with an opposite gender. When I was little, I remembered playing Barbie dolls, doll houses, lutu-lutuan (cooking toy set) and dress-up. I have no interest with cars, trucks, balls and robots. However, in this fast phased world, everything is now available on the web. Being a stay-at-home-mom means having lots of resources from every books, articles and blogs that I read. Since JD’s earlier months (probably around 8 months or so), I came across this Montessori approach and just recently, this RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers) parenting where in the basic principles are to RESPECT and TRUST your baby. Wow! Big words for applying these on babies. How in the world should I respect and trust them? They’re still babies, helpless and hopeless when left alone. Upon observing my child do his ‘works’, that’s when I realized, YES, he may be small but he has his own personality, his own ways, his own individuality. And that’s when I learned to give respect and trust him.

One of the principles I learned and continuously needs to learn more is how to talk with my now toddler (20 months as of writing). This may be simple but hard to implement especially when around others who doesn’t know about my own parenting style. Here are some of the key points:

1. DO NOT BABY-TALK MY BABY. Jek and I don’t talk to JD like “achooo chhoo chhooo” or “ooooh ooohh aahhhh aaaah”. It sounds alien to me or more of like a monkey talking (sorry 😊). How in the world will the baby understand those “words” (they’re not even words you’ll find in a dictionary). As much as possible, I talk to JD like an adult. How will you react if there are people talking to you with a different language and laughing at the same time? For me, it’s irritating and unrespectful. Exactly my point on why I don’t like baby talks. If you will greet a baby, just say a simple “Hi” or “How are you?” with a regular tone of voice not with a ‘child voice’ which you will normally do when greeting an adult.
2. INDIRECTLY TEACHING. My child knows what tree, bird and flowers are at a young age without me directly teaching it to him. How did that happen? Everytime we go outside the house or just gone bird-watching from the terrace, I just explained to him everything that I am seeing. I talk to my then 8-month old like this: “Look at the trees, they’re color green.” “The bird is flying so high. It’s flapping it’s wings.” Yep! I may sound and look crazy but hey, he picked up my words and carried them on until now that he can ‘talk’. In this manner, a child will develop a ‘sense of self” at a very young age. He will learn things when he’s ready. We don’t need to pressure them to do what we want them to do or say. However, I am not saying to just keep on observing when he’s ready. Upon observation, of course you will do some action for them to learn new things. For example, JD first learned about colors because that’s what I’ve observed he’s interested into. A few more days, he’s having interest with his ‘toy’ (which I prefer to call materials) with shapes sorter in it. As he inspects the material, I just say the names of the shapes without directly teaching him. A few more tries, he now knows circle, square, triangle, star and oval shapes. Infant and kids have Absorbent Minds. That is also why I carefully choose my words when talking to JD or when he is around.
3. LOWER YOUR VOICE. Also goes with my tone of voice. I and Jek don’t shout at each other (ok, we’re trying…. Lol!) when JD is around. When Jek is at the kitchen and I’m in the bedroom, we don’t shout just to talk to each other or ask for something. I will just go near him where he can hear me clearly with my normal speaking voice. It is really unethical to keep shouting at each other whether you’re angry or simply just wanted to talk to someone. The child might think shouting is normal and might adapt it and carry on to adult life which is not good. Calm and peaceful is what we want instead of shouting.
4. AVOID SAYING NO AND GIVING COMMANDS. Since they have their own identity, they have to make their own choices of what they want to do. Instead of “Do not touch that.” I prefer to give him choices like “I think we can play with this puzzle instead.” Then take away the object you don’t want him to touch once he agreed to let it go and go on with the puzzle. As per observation, kids often have tantrums whenever their needs or wants aren’t met. This usually happens when they want to play with a certain thing like for example cooking pots and pans. Then you said no and take it away without them understanding why you took it. It is frustrating for them. They will probably cry or even throw tantrums because they don’t understand why? For me, there is no harm in playing with pots and pans. They just wanted to inspect them. Let them play with the usual things you have at home for them to feel part of home. It will give them confidence.
5. CHOOSE KIND WORDS. Choosing the right words especially when around a learning-to-talk-toddler is difficult. I often say sensored words when I dropped something for when startled. I am guilty of this most of the time. The child can pick up every word that come out of our mouths. I remembered JD saying “Go! Go! Go! Go!” because he heard it from a TV commercial. I was surprised that he can say it without knowing its meaning. What more if they hear a curse or an insult? Would you be fine with that?
6. LET THEM KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT. Lack of communication often results in a negative scenario. Imagine you have plans first thing in the morning and yet all of a sudden someone changed that without you being informed? What will you feel? Maybe disappointed or feel unrespected. Out of frustration, you might get mad. Same goes with kids, they can feel that too. Kids can’t control their anger yet that may result to throwing of things, hitting someone or even hurt themselves. That is why I always inform JD our ‘schedule’ beforehand. When JD learned to do his own thing, he suddenly don’t want bath time anymore which was his favorite before. There were times I forcely carry him to the bathroom just to take a bath which leads to more difficult scenario. So what I did was talked to him about our schedule to prepare him for what will happen. “After we eat lunch, I think it’s our bath time. We just need to heat up water now for your bath time.” “What toy do you want to bring to the bath room?” In that way, he’ll be prepared of what will happen and somehow will look forward to it.
7. USE OF PLEASE AND THANK YOU / BEING A MODEL. They say we need to practice what you preach. You want your child to be polite but it doesn’t reflect in your actions. Parents and educarers are their primary role models and good manners start at home. A simple “Will you please pass the rice.” And “Thank you for helping me clean up.” may be small gestures but will impact the child. This also applies when the child is on the floor playing and you want to cross the other side of the room but he is hindering your way. You may say “Excuse me, may I pass?” This is a true sign of respect to the person.
8. BE TRUE WITH WHAT YOU SAID. This is one of the common wrong practices, tricking or fooling the child just for them to do what you want them to do. “Let’s go outside to play.” But you will bring him to the bathroom to take a bath. You’re teaching your child to lie. Plain and simple as that.
9. STOP BRIBING. This is a serious offense however we do this to the kids. “You finish your food first then I will give you chocolate.” This is so wrong. The child may focus on the chocolate instead of the healthy food that you prepared. Or “I will return your toy if you will give me a kiss first.” Nooooo! Please! It’s his toy. You can’t just get it without permission. Also, a kiss is an act of compassion and out of love. Why would you force him to do so?
10. And lastly. LISTEN. How would you feel when you what to say something or excited to share your ideas to someone but they keep on interupting you? I can’t imagine my frustration! Same with kids. Maybe he just learned a new word and finally utter the word for the first time, he must be really excited to share it with you. But you just ignored him and continue with what you are doing or worst, stop them because he’s been repeatedly saying the word for a whole minute already. Why don’t we just acknowledge him like “I see you learned a new word. You said hello for the first time.” Those simple acknowledge will make them feel appreciated and confident with themselves.

I am not an expert or trained as Montessori teacher nor RIE educarer. These are just some of the things that I learned from reading and as well as from my own experience with my son. It’s not easy to practice this parenting style with close-minded people around but I really don’t care. Sooner or later, we may all realize that this will benefit if not everyone, at least my son and I. We’re both in the learning process and not perfectly fine everyday. Young kids can do more that what we think they can do. We just need to observe, trust and respect them to fully develop their own personality and learn at their own pace whenever their ready. This may result to a confident child in the future and a more relaxed mommy. No two persons are equally the same so do not compare anyone to anybody. Just give time for your baby in quietness and also yourself for a more relaxed parenting, no pressure at all.